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~xxblueeyesturngrayxx

TwiggyThunderstorm.
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About Me Member Yellow Alien xxblueeyesturngrayxx15/Female/United States Recent Activity Deviant for 1 Year
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My name is Twiggy
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Devious Journal Entry

Sun Jul 12, 2009, 12:07 AM
The past week has not been normal and I am scared. I can't explain why, because I'm not even sure of it. But all I know is that there is something wrong with me. I've cried myself to sleep every night this week. It's strange that last week I was unable to sleep at all, but this week was just plain opposite. I no longer feel the need to wake up in the morning. I no longer feel the need to eat. I havn't eaten in the past two days, and for what? I just don't care anymore. I no longer feel like drawing anymore. I no longer feel like listening to music anymore. I no longer feel like talking, smiling, or even breathing. Just crying. Crying is all I've been doing. I've already fucked my life over, why live it anymore? I mean, I'm scared of everything, I fucked up and dropped out of school, I don't leave my home, I have no friends, let's face it, I was never meant to live in the first place. I am not a nrmal teenager. As my mom always says, "How are you going to make it in the world, Lee Ann? It's going to eat you alive." And she's right. How am I going to make it? Well, I'm failing at life anyway, now I just don't care. That's what I've been saying all week. I just don't care. I just don't care. Now my mom is threatening to take me to a psychiatric hospital if I don't "cheer up". And for what? What is there to cheer up about? The world is crumbling to pieces. My life is crumbling to pieces. She was stressed out the other day, so she decided to take it out on me by grabbing me by my hair and throwing me to the ground. I feel I completely deserve it. She said she was sorry, hugged me, kissed me, and yet I still feel I deserve to be beaten. I did the unthinkable yesterday, I grabbed my moms bottle of orange vodka and took five long drinks, something I would never think to do. Now I feel completely vulnerable to alcohol and have been craving for it ever since. I guess mom was right, I am just like Greg. Fucked up minds think alike, I suppose. I am not doing well. Suicide is on my mind all the time now. Does anyone even realise that I'm trying to kill myself? I won't be mad if anyone doesn't. Just explain the six gashes on my wrist, or the ones on my ankle, the bruises on my body, the burns on my arms, the scratches on my legs. All pitiful, pathetic attempts. I woke up choking myself the other day, but I wasn't scared, I wasn't alarmed by it, I just removed my hands and went back to sleep as if nothing happened. But wait now, killing myself would be useless anyway, because as far as I know, I am already dead. I am numb. I feel I am physically losing my senses. I can't taste, I can't smell, and I don't think I can feel many things anymore. I am dead. So maybe I won't kill myself. That would probably be selfish anyway. I have been called selfish twice this week. How could I be selfish, when I tried to give my best to everyone? I've given my best to everyone, and I feel like I've been turned down. But I guess they're right. I am selfish. I think of myself, because I have noone else to think about, I feel alone, I am alone. I am selfish and pathetic. I gave my best at life, I really did. Tried my hardest, but failed. But I feel that I've failed anyway. I'm sorry. I am so sorry everyone. Sorry that I've made you think of me, and worry over me for the littlest, stupidest things. It's not your fault that I'm so weak. I just don't care. I don't feel like I can do this anymore. I know that I am so annoying and weak and pathetic to all of you. Don't deny it. I know you think I am. I am not special, I am not wanted. I just need a rest. I'm sorry to all of you, I love you. I won't bother you ever again.

Sincerely yours,
Lee Ann Francis Holland. :heart:

Maybe life just wasn't meant for some people...

9 Comments | Previous Journal Entries
  • Mood: Gloomy

Devious Info

  • Current Residence: [219] Indiana, United States.
  • Interests: art & music. <3
  • Favourite movie: The Crow, Constantine, Underworld, Four Brothers, Jawbreaker, Lords of Dogtown, Party Monster, ect..
  • Favourite band or musician: Marilyn Manson, The Pop Culture Suicides, SlipKnoT, The Murderdolls, Placebo, Gorgoroth, Abigor, ect
  • Favourite genre of music: Black metal, Death Metal, Grindcore, Rock, Norwegian Black Metal, classical, J-Rock, ect...
  • Favourite artist: Marilyn Manson, CallowLily, Glittersniffer, WeedFairy, Mansongothic and tons more...
  • Favourite poet or writer: V. C. Andrews and Marilyn-Love, lol.
  • Favourite photographer: Manzin.
  • Favourite style of art: macrabe/horror, surreal, anime/manga...
  • Wallpaper of choice: pictures of my idols.<3
  • Skin of choice: pure glowing white.
  • Favourite cartoon character: Gir, Bloo, Cheese, Spongebob, Patrick Star, Stewie, Hello Kitty, Garfield & Odie, ECT.
  • Personal Quote: "Food is the one thing we all must quit."
  • Tools of the Trade: whatever I have lying around. ^.~

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Comments


~littlelizzy:iconlittlelizzy: 3 hours 1 minute ago
you have a really cute drawing style :)

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That's what she said.
~xxblueeyesturngrayxx:iconxxblueeyesturngrayxx: 2 hours 57 minutes ago
thank you. :)

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Bones are beautiful!!

If you have attempted Alchemy by clapping your hands or by drawing an array, copy and paste this into your signature.
Mood: Joy ~littlelizzy:iconlittlelizzy: 2 hours 51 minutes ago
you're welcome :D keep up the good work, you're already pretty good now ^-^

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That's what she said.
~Siria-chu:iconSiria-chu: 1 day 8 hours ago
Thanks for the :+fav: on "Rainbow Fish"

:heart:

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My other account My Shop
~Ilovegingerfish:iconIlovegingerfish: 2 days 13 hours ago
I love you!:heart:

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:sing: Ling-ling into battle go, fulfill destiny of the soul;
Sever skull of adversary, shove it in the pooper hole!
...all the children sing: "kill kill kill kill, die die
Die; kill kill kill kill, die die die!" :lmao:
~xxblueeyesturngrayxx:iconxxblueeyesturngrayxx: 2 days 11 hours ago
I love you too.

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Bones are beautiful!!

If you have attempted Alchemy by clapping your hands or by drawing an array, copy and paste this into your signature.
~Ilovegingerfish:iconIlovegingerfish: 2 days 11 hours ago
:blush:

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:sing: Ling-ling into battle go, fulfill destiny of the soul;
Sever skull of adversary, shove it in the pooper hole!
...all the children sing: "kill kill kill kill, die die
Die; kill kill kill kill, die die die!" :lmao:
~ScribalWriter:iconScribalWriter: 4 days 5 hours ago
Thank you for the :+fav: on my watercolour painting! :hug: ^_^ :butterfly:
Mood: Joy ~ThaPinkFuzZ66:iconThaPinkFuzZ66: 5 days 14 hours ago
Thnx for the :+fav: ^w^ i appreciate it!!

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VeGeTa FoReVa!! :blowkiss: Wooooooo!!!! :giggle:
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:music: Don't Stop The Beat, Can't Stop The Beat, Won't Stop The Beat :music:
*ScarletGothica:iconScarletGothica: 6 days 8 hours ago
Thank you so much for the :+fav:
you're very very kind...
:heart: :heart::heart: :heart:

Claudia

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ScarletGothica Official Website


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